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| Author | Topic: Really hard to believe I didn't know... |
| searchn4peace |
posted 6/7/07 10:51 AM
Hi everyone. This is my first post. I've been with my partner 27 years (married 24 years next month) and only days ago realized that he has NPD (from the research I've done he seems to fit into the "psychopath" slot, but I'm definitely not qualified to make a diagnosis). Learning this was my very own personal "shock & awe." I wasn't looking for it. It just appeared on a completely unrelated blog that I frequently read - there it was - a definition of "sociopath" with a description and a list, etc. My partner has all but 2 of the listed traits. I printed it and shared it with him and he agreed that he fits the profile. So I did a search on "sociopath" which led to much reading (where his behavior matches between 12 - 15 traits), and eventually to here. I've got to say, I'm having a hard time not feeling stupid. I am aware that I am codependent, and have been working on that for years, but this is ridiculous! To give credit where it's due, I had reached a point of soon being able to be financially independent, and had decided to leave the relationship if the pattern continued. I was working on things. But I was bitter, hurt, angry and just not quite able to give up that tiny little hope that one day he would get it. One day he would understand. One day he would be kind and loving. Due to my recent intense mini-education, I now understand so much more. I no longer feel bitter, hurt or angry. I feel very sad. And there is grief, but I've been grieving for the death of this relationship in increments for 7 years, so it's not unbearable anymore. I do not blame my partner for my issues and my codependency. I will probably be working on that for the rest of my life. At this point, I've shared with him a brief synopsis of what I've learned, inviting him to please do the research for himself (he won't). I've told him what I learned of the options available and offered to do the research to locate local professionals qualified in NPD counseling (because he truly doesn't have time during business hours to do it). But I won't put the time into the research unless he asks me to. I've offered to help pay for his counseling because he's supported me for 27 years and raised my 2 children. I do care for him and would love to see him at least living in peace. I no longer have any emotional expectations of him, and I told him that. I'm trying to be supportive, but not sink into the quicksand again. I know I've got a long way to go, but I know I'm gaining ground. This is really long. I totally understand if you block it because of the length. I just needed to reach out and touch people who understand what I'm going through. Thanks for listening... |
| Paper_Tiger |
posted 6/7/07 4:19 PM
Welcome! First - I would like to caution you that you have chosen a moniker that is used by another long term poster on a different NPD support forum - in case you get any confused responses.. LOL! Second - what you describe going through personally is not unusual - whether you are 'normal' or codependent. Admittedly, CoD's will often have a more difficult time due to boundary issues, but that's my opinion only, and not what we are trying to address right now. Third - psychopath and sociopath are terms generally associated with ASPD (anti-social personality disorder) and not NPD. Those are VERY different, although both can exhibit behaviour which is outwardly quite callous. Getting professional diagnosis and help is key. Assuming you have the financial resources for individual therapy, that's the way to go (IMO). Now - it's just a matter of getting them there.. LOL! and that's not easy. In an earlier thread, you will see a recommendation from me about waiting for a crisis moment (if they are NPD). Beyond that, maybe you could make it part of losing a bet, or a challenge of personal development. Some sort of motivation. Good luck to you! |
| Luvrainboz |
posted 6/8/07 5:10 AM
Thank you so much for your reply. I will change my moniker and assume someone will inform me if I've stepped on anyone else's toes. I am totally new to the whole "diagnostic label" thing and very aware that I am swimming blindly. I will definitely research ASPD. If I haven't yet, I need to make it clear to him that I'm sharing what I am learning with him, which is very little. I believe he knows that, but I will make sure! Meanwhile, I'm deeply grateful for the info you have given me. My "shock & awe" moment occurred less than 7 days ago, so I'm starting from square one. Just a smidgen over total ignorance. I need to understand the last 27 years of my life, so I'll put the time and effort into that. Once I understand, I can put my time and energy into understanding what parts of me drew these circumstances and need healing. And I'll learn how to do that. For the first time in my life, I feel free to concentrate on me. What little knowledge I now have has freed me from the periodic crisis mode of his life and made it not personal. That part feels totally awesome. A lot of weight has left my shoulders! "Admittedly, CoD's will often have a more difficult time due to boundary issues, but that's my opinion only, and not what we are trying to address right now." I completely agree with you from the perspective of my own experience. The beginning of the healing journey I'm on started with a book titled, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and some AA + Al Anon books. There are no Al Anon or other family support groups locally, just AA. I began to learn to draw boundaries. That was 7+ years ago and I'm still learning. And I have the same issue with others - I own that and continue to work on it. Oh, he's willing, even eager to go. After all, it will be all about him. I couldn't begin to guess how many hours we've spent in conversations revolving around him. If it's about me, it usually takes less than 5 minutes before his eyes glaze over or he rudely tells me he has had enough and the conversation is done, or he just ignores me and starts doing something else. I found out tonight what's stopping him is fear of doing jail time for a couple of things he did in the past (19+ years ago). First, let me say he didn't murder anyone, at least not that I know of. But he doesn't know if there is a statue of limitation in this state for those actions. Now I'm curious, but I'm not sure how enabling it is for me to get that info. I totally wouldn't call the psychiatrist for him. But how much prep work am I supposed to do before the call can be made? Hmmm. I'll have to contemplate that. Money is another issue at the moment, and not one that can be ignored. However, I will be starting sub-contracting work in the fall and that will help. Also, just because of where I'm at in life, I am very serious about possibly selling our house and getting into a situation that I can physically handle alone, and hopefully lowering expenses. And we have insurance that probably will partially pay for some sessions. I have no idea exactly what provisions our policy has for this kind of treatment. Again, I'm curious, but not sure how much he needs to do. I'm reluctant to just pursue this for him - deja vu - he drops a casual remark and I put huge effort into doing something for him that he does not pursue or appreciate. Irregardless of what a professional diagnosis is, I do know he is extremely manipulative. If he can't do it with charm, he uses humility. He's very, very good. So my main concern is that the professional be experienced in dealing with this kind of manipulation, whatever the diagnosis. Dr. Phil told a woman being treated this way by her husband that he would get them help, but if her husband hadn't shown marked improvement within 90 days, she should leave him. That's all I have to go by. If he really wants to heal, I figure I'll see marked improvement within 90 days. I'm not willing to work to help pay for an expensive "source" for him! Thanks again. It's such a great pleasure to communicate with adults. A great relief to share this. I'm going to do some more research now.... |
| Luvrainboz |
posted 6/8/07 1:09 PM
Well, life is good! A good few hours work! I'm able to alleviate his fears. Better than that though, is that he can have up to 30 sessions a year that won't cost us out of pocket. Now I know why we pay a large amount towards insurance every month. And the best yet - I can go for my very own counseling! That's just a fantastic bonus. What a roller coaster week! It's a good beginning..... |
| Paper_Tiger |
posted 6/13/07 10:50 PM
Hey - that's great!!! sorry for taking a while to respond.. been out of town. Two more comments - if your partner is in fact disordered, don't listen to Dr. Phil. The concept that a genuinely disordered person will demonstrate noticeable improvement in 90 days is.. shall we say.. overly optimistic? (IMO) I think Dr. Phil might be better focused on something he is enabling.. Check this out: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,281912,00.html LOL! Anyway, what was my second point again? oh yea - I'm not sure about the tie between counseling and your partners historical legal troubles. It's not like the counselor is going to run off and turn him in. A counselor would be costing himself business that way. A counselor/therapist is only required by law to violate the dr/patient confidentiality when the patient poses a PRESENT threat to himself or society. I can assure you that the questions that I have had to answer in therapy were not good.. but if you don't have absolute trust in the therapist, not a lot of progress will be made. Good Luck! Keep us in the loop. |
| Paper_Tiger |
posted 6/13/07 10:52 PM
sorry - my legal advice is US only.. and I don't have a law degree, but I did sleep in holiday inn express last night.. LOL |
| Lightworker |
posted 6/14/07 3:09 PM
lol! |
| mizbubba |
posted 12/7/07 3:41 AM
I do understand what you are going through. I was with an npd for 20 years. It is true that a mental health professional will need to officially diagnose but if he meets the diagnostic criteria he probably is. I was able to leave my ex after getting my education. It was the best decision I ever made. If you are planning to leave him then do so but dont threaten him with leaving in an attempt to get him to change. Believe me that personality disordered individuals can be very revengful and engage in one up behavior. I would worry about myself(and children at this point). If he does agree to conjoint therapy that is wonderful but if not, dont worry, just get yourself healthy. |
| Lilah |
posted 1/27/08 2:29 PM
Psychopathy and NPD are not the same things. |
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