Author	Topic:   Mentoring
seeker	posted 7/21/07 11:42 PM       Has there ever been a thread or support suggestion for Narcissists who are along the path of healing to mentor those, perhaps younger Ns, who are in need of self-realization? Is there any research or evidence that such a mentoring relationship has positive results?
Lightworker	posted 7/27/07 3:17 AM     That's an excellent idea. I think that's what Tony's site was about. He seemed to have a handle on the problem and it seemed to help others out who were/are still struggling with NPD.
seeker	posted 7/28/07 3:12 AM       Thank you Lightworker. Though I did not have a chance to interact with Tony on the forums before he passed, I have been looking at some previous threads and posts so that I can learn what his experiences and thoughts/influences were about. Frankly, it is probably thinking about Tony which brought me to the mentoring thought process. It seems there would at least be some research studies regarding the concept. Maybe the internet is not as "complete" as I would like to think.. need to look for some publications for more info I think. Thanks again, Amanda
Lightworker	posted 7/29/07 3:33 AM     Well the sad thing is that with NPD, there is a strong faction of those who have it who would resist any attempt to define it, and then further explore and try to defeat it. It is the very nature of the beast to inflate and perpetuate its image instead of willingly succombing to annihilation. So there's that little road block and we've seen some of it here in fact. Also, professionals who know about the disease tend to shy away from it. Investing massive energy in something that so far has proven very weak in success is not in line with the reason they went to college to get degrees..unfortunately many of them got degrees to "be successful" instead of risking failure for a greater cause...that of learning via trial by fire..
Deanna_10	posted 7/31/07 1:34 AM     Whoa Lightworker... That wasn't a very truthful thing you said. All anybody is *resisting* are your attempts to "define" NPD inappropriately and incorrectly in terms of your own mother because doing so makes you feel better. D10
Tiger66	posted 8/7/07 3:54 AM     I will only speak from my experience. I agree with the mentoring. The problem is this,While things were ok in my own little world prior to the marriage break up.I wouldnt have listend. The time for mentoring to be effective is when the breakdown of a relationship has happend,unfortunately this doesnt prevent the behaviour,But yes I strongly believe mentoring would work.
Tiger66	posted 8/7/07 3:19 PM     I will explain why N's behaviour,not condone it.I am only speaking about myself as an N. Because of their traumatic childhood, self esteem is very low.So the N always thinks that their partner will leave or cheat on them.They put their partner on a pedastool and say to themselves why would she want to stay with some 1 as lowly as me.So they exaggerate their own acheivements etc.To try to gain their love's respect. They want to believe the relationship will last forever ,But ultimately believe it wont. They believe no matter what they do, their partner will find fault and leave. So when they do its like a self fulfilling prophecy. The N believes that unless he is able to lavish his love with expensive gifts she will leave. What I didnt grasp until after my wife left was you only need to be nice and responsible for some 1 to want to stay with you. Its been a humbling year,ive learned so much. Your partner must love you for you,Not the N you. If you are flash your partner will see this as wasteful and see through the facade and will leave. The type of girl you want to attract is one that respects you for not being flash and wasteful with money.You should still spend money on nice things for them,But not go mad. The right kind of partner would much prefer not be in debt than have 150 pairs of expensive shoes. The internet has helped me to stop being an N in 3 ways. By reading the forums of N victims I can see the damage caused and understand how devestating N behaviour is.And also change your behaviour to what is acceptable.So you know what not to do in future.But you need to be careful that some 1 doesnt label you an N,so you can be manipulated. Psychologists online give you advice when you encounter a situation for a small fee. This will help you to make better decisions. Dating sites are full of potentialy nice partners,not like 20 yrs ago. Its just real easy to meet some 1 no matter what age you are. This in particular has helped me the most because I can take my time and dont feel like time is running out and must grab some 1 quick. The massive down side is N's can be very charming,and unchecked will devestate many women. There is also another massive downside to N's symptoms being written about on the net. A lot of rubbish is written and N's or their victims will never find true love because they will Mistake some 1 for being an N.And bolt at the slightest sign.In other words if your not perfect they will bolt from what could have been a very worthwhile relationship. In fact its been quite theraputic,Ive had some lovely days out with some really nice people. The downside is that ive become hypersensitive to looking for bad behaviour in potential mates. Maybe I bolt too quickly,I dont know, Its been a voyage of discovery which is just beginning. God bless you all, _^.^_
Lightworker	posted 8/11/07 4:53 PM     Well 66, I think that you should still be allowed to post here. There is nothing more valuable to me than to see how the NPD mind works. And your posts have been candid and exposed several facets to me already. Maybe that's why you were banned? lol Someone here doesn't want the cat out of the bag? I know of at least one poster here who adamantly strives to suppress any identification of what NPD actually and factually is; how it works, it's mechanisms and the destruction it wreaks on humanity. I applaud you for your courage in coming here where people are dialed in to your dysfunctions, and posting anyway. I think the move to ban you might have it's origins in some other cause than your being offensive to anyone?? I'd hate to think that was the case. I say, tell us how it is, what you think and how your mind works. I see you doing more than struggling with women, I see you objectifying them to such an extent that they're like animals that have to be groomed in certain ways to elicit certain behaviors. I see you covertly soliciting sympathy for yourself as an NPD and using that to hopefully hook a victim or three into dating you, portraying an image as yourself as "well on the way to being cured of NPD". I assure you when I read that that I was not the only one here who fell of their chair laughing so hard.. Nice try. But I am dead serious as to that your posting here is necessary..albeit should come with a warning label. Hey, maybe that's a good idea? Maybe newly aware narcissists can have a label that says, "beware of this person's motives, they are newly recovering from NPD"? Just a thought. Then we could still get the benefit of insights into their thought process (and therefore keys to healing the disease)and also allow them the fellowship of recovery without fear of banishment? My two cents.. (Oh, and 66, it isn't "dear Sir" I think the moderator(s) here are women...that might explain why you were banned. Try "dear equal". That might win you some more support and be therapeutic all at once.)
tiger.66	posted 8/15/07 2:07 AM     Again I can only speak for myself. After I faced up to my defects through a counsellor,I was left feeling like I had no personality and of course extreme guilt.I decided that I wanted to be kind and understanding towards others.But at the same time not to be taken advantage of. My worst traits were.Tactless,uncaring,impatience,lying and bragging. I found a good site on the web which offers counselling for a small fee.Ive built up a raport with 1 male counsellor. I call him for his advice on particular situations.I dont brag or lie anymore,that was easy to solve,the tactless 1 is the hardest 1 because now and again I say the wrong thing not meaning to.
Paper_Tiger	posted 8/16/07 3:47 AM     Lightworker- I'm going to go out on a limb and draw a connection between this statement: >>>>I know of at least one poster here who adamantly strives to suppress any identification of what NPD actually and factually is; how it works, it's mechanisms and the destruction it wreaks on humanity.<<<<< and this statement: >>>>>there is a strong faction of those who have it who would resist any attempt to define it, and then further explore and try to defeat it.<<<<<< I was keeping up with those threads and continue to think you have missed the point - to the degree that you have decided that a) an insistence on leaving diagnoses for the professionals, or b)that labeling others is often done to make people feel better themselves, somehow qualifies the person with the opinion of 'a' or 'b' as someone who is trying to somehow 'protect NPD against exposure'. If that is in fact what you are asserting, I disagree with that premise. Tiger66- I've never seen anyone get banned here. Furthermore, I believe this board is largely unmoderated. I think Libran pops in a couple times per year.. and I have no idea what gender he/she might be. Regards PT
Lightworker	posted 8/16/07 4:34 AM     I'm coming from a position of bitterness over time lost I suppose. If I'd known the basic checklist for NPD way back when I'd have avoided years and years of agonizing over "what was wrong". I'm coming from a standpoint of using the NPD checklist as a tool for healing. Automatically, as I understand it, NPDers will assume malice of intent. That's not what I'm on about. And I'm making that clear once and for all. I said it before, knowledge leads to understanding, understanding leads to healing. And healing is what these discussions are all about. I'm not packing a bazooka waiting for the right moment to cut everyone down in a hail of bullets. Non-NPDers are capable of compassionate motives. And that is what I am, and what I am doing here. On a path with a heart...yes...it's possible..
Deanna_10	posted 8/16/07 7:13 AM     P-T, I forget how I know, but Librano is DEFINATELY a guy, and he definately doesn't ever ban anyone. D10
Lightworker	posted 8/16/07 3:02 PM     "even mental health professionals can miss the boat in recognizing what you are up against in this relationship. Without validation of your experience the the NPD individual, the erosion of your self-esteem becomes even greater. In addition to living in such an isolated world with the NPD personality, you are also exposed to endless criticism, controlling behavior, and unrealistic demands. On those rare occasions when others might observe some of these behaviors, they will often dismiss the incident with an automatic desire to make excuses for the NPD person. ... For all these reasons, the nightmare side of these relationships is usually a private one, a nightmare that can only be stopped by receiving outside validation from a credible person ..." ****** Found this on another forum as a quote from "The Wizard Of Oz And Other Narcissists" It explains exactly why the common lay person needs a rough outline of diagnostic criteria and the ability to make an assessment on their own. Therapists are often ill-equipped to deal with NPD, or even to recognize it in many cases. In other words, the entire world is in the dark for the most part. What is written above pretty much sums up the private hell of those caught in the web of the narcissist...especially children like I was. I wish the basic guidelines were part of every Kindergarten curriculum. The damage waylaid would be unbelievable. When I say to you here that my life has been forever warped by being raised by an unrecognized/undiagnosed NPDer, I'm not exaggerating one iota. Having to have been able to recognize her disorder back at a younger age, I would, for a fact, be a happier and better-adjusted person. It's as if the ability to name NPDs at a glance were a solid vaccine for a terminal illness, and some people were in favor of never using it. Usually you have one NPDer adversely affecting a circle of people around him/her. One person maligning many. I say, in the interest of simply numbers, it would be wise to err on the side of caution, rather than err on the side of misdiagnosing. People get scrutinized and misjudged all the time. If a person becomes incorrectly labelled as having NPD, then it would be something they could set right by example, if they truly didn't have it...Much like a person being mistaken for being a bigot, when they demonstrate (not say) otherwise and show that they're ultimately not. That kind of thing happens every day and while it isn't the most savory of situations, it certainly is more sane to name what is happening right before you eyes and have someone else correct you convincingly, than it would be to ignore what is right before your eyes and "play pretend" that what you see isn't happening.. That's what active NPDers bank on in the circle they affect. And I can assure you it does not one person any good whatsoever. The NPDer would be better served by confrontation of their behaviors and so would everyone else.
Deanna_10	posted 8/16/07 6:39 PM     Uh-huh... So, you think anyone who FEELS LIKE it should be able to diagnose NPD? What I cannot see is whether you feel that those so diagnosed should be: a) Hung drawn and quartered b) Burned at the stake. D10
Lightworker	posted 8/17/07 4:09 PM     No, I think the general populace needs, for THEIR mental health, to have a way of compassionately recognizing when they're dealing with an instable personality. But the way you put it makes me seem so much worse. Is that what you intended?
Deanna_10	posted 8/17/07 4:13 PM     Frankly, I think, following your line of reasoning, the first thing the "general populace" needs to recognise here "for their own mental health" is that they are dealing with a singularly unstable, as well as unethical, personality in you. Sorry, but, it seems to me, that is just the way it really, and obviously, is. D10
Lightworker	posted 8/17/07 9:09 PM     You're here because you have admitted that you have NPD yes? And now you assess me in such ruthless terms. Basically, if I'm to take what you say at face value (which I don't, because I'm familiar with how narcissists evade and lie) I am supposedly worthless and my perspective is a joke.. That would be a wounded narcissist's way of "just make lightworker go away using whatever (abusive) means necessary." What you failed to take into account with this tactic is that I have seen it all, heard it all..been there, done that with the verbal abuse thingy. I'm what you would call..numb. No, that's not exactly correct, it's more like wise, wise to it being just a manifestation of a hurt child who is trying to pinch someone into letting her have her own way of thinking no matter what. I don't take it personally. I'm familiar with the syndrome of narcissistic crises or "injury". I came here intending to speak the truth from my perspective knowing full well that this would be at least on NPD's reaction, if not all of them. The first thing we do when confronted with something that isn't part of our own inventory (however skewed) is to fend off, deny or even attack the new information. Those of us committed to well-being will overcome this stage eventually and look the truth straight in the face. It's the only way to heal. Knowledge leads to understanding, understanding leads to healing. There's no other way to happiness. Sorry, I wish I could tell you there was.
Deanna_10	posted 8/17/07 10:23 PM     No, those were not "ruthless terms" they were the POLITE version. I suggest that you stop deluding yourself and projecting your faults on to others and seek help for your own, seriously abusive behaviors. D10
Lightworker	posted 8/18/07 10:03 PM     Once again, I take that as a compliment. Thank you.
Gattaca	posted 8/21/07 4:06 AM     The funny thing is, Deanna doesnt even have NPD. Lightworker just assumes that anyone who doesnt agree with her own inflated egotistical vision of herself as "wise" MUST have a PD. By now, most people here will have seen enough of Lightworker's insensitive, selfish, egotistical, disrespectful behavior not to take her seriously anyways.
Tiger66	posted 8/23/07 11:35 AM     I understand where Lightworker is coming from,And she has my sympathy.Perhaps Lightworker is being a little dramatic,N's dont consiously target people to destroy.I thought we were hear to heal , not to have a dog fight.

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