Author	Topic:   Are an N, do you see yourself in this story
Diaz	posted 2/15/08 11:41 AM       The relationship started off very nicely, thoughtful person and all. We had a good time. I should have known when he pressured me to have sex with him when I didn’t want to. He stopped calling and never showed up for a date. (Our ages: late 20s and early 30s)) I was miserable, a month later I called him and invited him to dinner with a bunch of friends and caved into what he wanted. I live to regret it It was a relationship of living life his way while suppressing or ignoring my basic needs. When put him before me or when I try to draw his attention to my needs he accused of not caring enough. He called me when HE wanted to, not when it was convenient for me. I will call him and he wouldn’t pick up, but if I did the same, he would go ballistic. I finally broke up with him. I couldn’t connect with him emotionally and he accused me of being controlling and not accepting him for what he was. Problem is, I never knew what he was. I gave him a chance to improve on things, but he avoided talking about it, only to call 2 weeks later, like there was nothing wrong. Apparently he wanted to be the one to call it quits and when I finally asked his descison , he got angry and said it was over then. We run into each other at parties. Our mutual friend will often invite us to the same place, which upset me terribly. I missed him so much finally gave in and started talking to him on the phone. He assumed that I was calling him because I was interested in him romantically, but I wasn’t. You just don’t stop loving someone. So he came over for dinner, after he had called me on Valentines Day. He stayed after everyone left , only to seduce me . I stupidly assumed he wanted to be with me, after numerous calls he finally replied, still without saying anything of significance. I finally had him over for a face to face meeting where he told me he did not want to be with me. I broke all contact then, the pain was UNBEARABLE. I spent a lot of time crying, I could not concentrate at work and I was depressed, it affected my hormones and I lost my hair. I went through this almost alone, since my friends did not understand why I was sad and I did not understand why even in the reality of knowing I was doing what was best for me, I still felt sick . I later found that relationships with emotionally unavailable individuals were emotionally abusive. It leaves one drained, feeling abandoned, used and with a terrible feeling of failure and self blame I moved to a new place, changed my phone number. A month later he got it from a mutual friend, I was afraid to return the call. 2 days later , I returned the call, he questioned as to why I had not returned the call earlier, he didn’t have anything to say and it ended up badly , I just wanted to get away from him. I made a life choice which took me to another city. I dated someone else, for 3 months, it was no better. I found myself with someone who was verbally abusive and if possibl ea more matured and deep N…(Once you are able to attract one, I think there is something that draws Ns to You). I was confused as to why I was ending up with such people, it was either me, my fault or it might have something to do with the fact that they were form the same culture. I walked out one day and we broke up a few weeks later. I realized I was with someone worse, so I ended up calling the Ex. We talked once in a while, for me it was not romantic, just wanted him as a friend. The hurricane occurred people evacuated, he ended up calling me. I was shocked that he would call me just to let me know he was alright. I started feeling good about him , but all the while keeping my distance. He arrived in town, stayed with some friends, we kept in touch, he came over a few times all of which to seduce me. It always ended up with him leaving because I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with him. He would leave in anger. He was having a difficult time and I felt he was depressed. He would drink a lot and call me to argue, I finally got very upset and told him off. For two months I never spoke with him. I felt guilty about not being there in his time of need. The question I should have asked was if he was ever there for me. I started talking to him again and let him into my life a almost a year ago. He would drive over a couple of time to visit and we will do things he wanted to do. I felt I was approaching the relationship this time with a better understanding of what I could do better..(I can hear you staying how stupid , right) Well it was a long distance nightmare that started last December. I would make time to call him, he never returned my calls when he got them and finally when he did, he had a really good excuse. Of course I started getting suspicious, because on top of everything he did not want me to visit, claiming he was always too busy to pay attention to me.
Diaz	posted 2/15/08 11:42 AM       Contd: ____________ I wrote him an email to let me know how I felt, he did not reply. Once again he was avoiding the TALK. I finally got him on the phone , and told him that things were not working out and I would like to hear his side of the story. He got a job in another country, so it strengthened me to break things off. It was a miserable for a week, I lost 10lbs. We had agreed to go our separate ways, I didn’t even call him on his birthday a week later, because I just wanted out. After you tell someone you love them, and they tell you that they never loved you, you don’t need any reason to stick around. In all our break ups he called mutual friends, usually girls to convince them of how misunderstood he was and how much he “loved” me but I didn’t appreciate him. If I had been part of his reality, why didn’t I relate to these stories from these girls. I guess he did so simply to gain sympathy feed on their emotions. I had one girlfriend tell me how self centered and selfish I was, mainly based on information from his side. I broke off all communication with this woman. Before when the friends get back to me with “his crazy about me stories”, I end up feeling guilty and call him to keep up a sort of friendship and that’s the reason why we went back and forth over the years. Then the shooting occurred at his place of work and I was worried. So called him to see how he was doing, he was flippant and I called back to let him know he could talk to me if he needed to. I tried to be there for him because I still felt guilty for not being there before. It was all in vain. He left the country without saying goodbye.
Diaz	posted 2/15/08 11:47 AM       CONTD: I am still hurt, I know I made the best decision, I never want to have to go back again. I sensed I was with a narcissist who will never be emotionally available or invested in a relationship no matter how hard I try. It hurts me to think of him with someone else, but I am determined to go my way. I don’t hate him, I just want freedom from ever having to be with him. The reality is that I felt lonely when I was with him and better when I was not. There was nothing to give on his part, but he knew how to suck one dry. I count express my anger, because getting angry or ignoring him meant that he was going to threaten to walk out and never come back. The first time he did during our first break up, I let him go, because I couldn’t believe how immature it was. He later told me that, he wanted me to follow him when he stormed off to placate him??? Over the last week, he suddenly appeared on my msn messenger. I had put him on , but he never used it before, then he suddenly appears. I have deleted him 5 times now, I keep going back and forth between wanting to ask him WHY. But I think I already know why. This morning I deleted him finally. I pray for strength not to have to give in ever again to this person. The strange thing was that after the intial meeting , the sex DECLINED GRADUALLY AND lost something..it was almost like he was satisfying himself and I was secondary to the action. The night that he came and slept with me before I moved away, the sex was pretty good, like he knew or was taking revenge to show that he could actually have better sex. I felt like he sensed that I broke up with him because of sex and he wanted to show me what he was capbale of....In anycase, the last part that we got together again, he did not want me to kiss him, he didnt like me even trying to touch him..I assumed he was cheating .I just got tired of the stress of WONDERING..why wont he just let tell me if he didnt want to be with me, rather than demand my affection especially if he was cheating I told him after our first break-up he was selfish, because he came by to get back together with me and he only listed things about himself that he felt I admired and wanted in my life. Never once did he mention what I would gain from being with him. The time he came and slept with me and run off, I called him 5 times and finally had to use a freinds phone, that was when I told him he had no empathy.I coulnt beleive another human being could do what he had just done and feel no guilt. TO this day I have heard many unfelt " I am sorrys" but never an explanation. I asked him if he hated me that much to have done what he did..his reponse was that "it had nothing to do with me". How could someone use another so badly adn hurt them so much and stillbe immersed in thier own agony and not realise the impact of their actions on the other person..."it had nothing to do owith me". How can you have sex with me, run off, not pick up the phone and tell me it had nothing to do with me....HELP ME!! Also why would one hold back from sex or have lazy sex. My personality was easy to con and ready to give chances because it was my first adult relationship and I had heard stories about how bad guys are, so I assumed he was normal and I had to try to work things out, afterall if you love someone, you just dont run as soon as there is trouble....what did I get myself into///
Diaz	posted 2/15/08 11:48 AM       CONTD: I feel like I love him, but dislike him..I think I fell in love somehow with the courteous , charming guy who I hope will come back if I could only love him more and I kept following and chasing this person, only to have different sides of him revealed as we went along..its like you know someone for so long, but you dont know them and their life is compartmentalized so you dont really know what goes on in other parts of thier lives ..or its like being a mistress and being hidden from the rest of the people in his life...I dont know, I am soo confused...what happened. I still dont know..all I know is I fell deeply in love with a man I dislike intensely and it makes my skin crawl to admitt that I let it g on for so long and that I still miss him like crazy Over the last years I have been deeply sad with bouts of crying to my family and friends when I can no longer handle a break up with him..I miss him soo much. I miss the way he smells, I just miss him and it hurts that he is with someone else, but I know I need to move on to waht God has in store for me....I hope this one will make me smile endlessly and secretly to myself through out our days... The other day I heard he had a new girlfriend, it brought out a week of mourning in me..I was surprised that I was affected. I guess I Felt that if he could relate to someone why didnt he relate to me when I loved him so much...and I just don’t understand how he could be with me , if he claimed he never loved me..I dont love a lot of people but I treat them well. I feel like I failed or there is something wrong with me..I still cant believe he is an N or rather I dont want to label him as an N..Because he could be so charming and great when he wanted and he is especially well know for being the life of the party..therefore no one believes me and I dont believe me, I feel like I am making it up just so I can feel comforted and it helps t take away the pain../// DO YOU ALL THINK HE IS A NARCICCIST...because he is still driving me crazy in my mind even though he is now on another continent... Forgive me for the long blabbering. The above is an abbreviation of 5 years of emotional turmoil. We often say it will never happen to us, but once you get hooked on a personality like this it’s hard to get away whole. They trick you into falling for them, only to try and gain control through mind games. Listen to your intuition. Whatever doubts you have the first week of meeting someone, bring it up for clarification or simply get out of there before it’s too late.
Lightworker	posted 2/23/08 3:41 AM     "The other day I heard he had a new girlfriend, it brought out a week of mourning in me..I was surprised that I was affected. I guess I Felt that if he could relate to someone why didnt he relate to me when I loved him so much..." ******** Oh, don't worry. He has no care for this girl either. My ex will actually hand-select the type of woman he thinks pisses me off to see him with. Only later to see me and try to get my attention again when I ignore yet another relationship he started to get my goat. I was his favorite 'mirror'. That's all you were to your guy and that's all the new woman is to him and all the others in a long long train to come after her..they're all just phantoms in a big empty world that only includes HIM.
Diaz	posted 2/23/08 3:00 PM     I am still wondering if he is a narcissist ..because sometimes I think its all in my mind. Unfortunatley I hit on Vamkins website only after we split.I wish I had heard of him before or know if this site to ask other narcissist what was going on He told me he had loved someone before. I think someone is high school who is now married. So then it feels like I was the one he could not love He also told me most of his relationships lasted 2-3 months and I guess its the fault of the other people..I assume its probably because he is addicted to rush of the first few months,.. The thinkg is one understands that I have this longlasting effect , they think its just me trying to play victim, but I feel like I lived under a cloud for so long..and I have never been like this EVER In anycAse, I realized that he always wanted my complete attention when he was about to flirt with someone else..its almost like if I wasnt there he wasnt going to do it and he wants me to see how succesful or wanted he is by other women...he countinoulsy keeps starring at other women on our outtings, to th epoint that he followed one out during an internmission when we were in a play..its didnt occured to me till later, then I walked out to see what was going on and he was standing just outside the doors innocently ushering me towards the bathroom when I saw him.. oh well..just wanted to know if any of the narcissist on here recognize themselves in the story!...
ArtGoddess	posted 3/19/08 5:18 PM     Wondering if he was truly a narcissist? Look at the red flags! Bait, lure, ensnare...withold/reward..."ALL about ME"... You want to know why you keep choosing these types of partners? Check out the website: www.heartlessbitches.com You need to find yourself, develop self-esteem, and get tough. Realize that there is NO bargaining or negotiating with a narcissist - it's their way or the highway. There is also no closure when dissolving a relationship with a narcissist, whether it's a significant other, sibling, parent, friend, co-worker, etc. You will never have the last word because anything that you need to convey is insignificant in the general scheme of thinking of the narcissist. LW made a very valid point: you cannot be jealous of the new girlfriend/trophy! I assure you, he has chosen someone who will be an easy target and easily manipulated - she deserves your pity, only. She didn't do damage to you, HE did, so you must feel for her and pray for her to get out, safely. As for this mutual friend of your ex's and yours - CUT OFF THE COMMUNICATIONS with this person! There is no such thing as maintaining "mutual" friendships between one's self and a narcissist! The narcissist will fabricate and spread the most vile, outrageous, and ludicrous misinformation to any/all "mutual" friends in order to insure that they have the absolute support of the friends and that the victim has no network of support, at all. And, this extends to family members, as well - when I told my folks that I had asked for a divorce, they thought that I'd gone mad. Of course, acting as the perfect victim that I was, I never disclosed to ANYone what I endured over the years. It was only until I made the decision to get out, get counseling, and move forward did I learn just how abused I had been. At that point, I evolved from victim into Survivor. Time for you to do it, too - stop asking yourself what you did wrong or what you did to deserve to be treated so badly and move on. Learn from your choices and start looking at the world through the eyes of common sense! We've all heard it, before: if it seems too good to be true, it probably IS. This applies to relationships, as well. Take what you've learned and start caring about YOU instead of trying to fill the void by focusing your attention on someone else.
Diaz	posted 3/23/08 11:26 PM     Thank you both,.you are all so right..I keep reading and reading everything I can lay onmy hands on and how to heal and prevent myself from getting onto this kind of situation again. The abuse is so insidious and so well done , you are left with thinking you are somehow imagining your feelings, because everyone aroudn you is living the fairy tale he painted I already feel releived from reading your comments.. I am glad I found out about people like this, because when you are in it and dont know a thing about abuse then you really are swimming in unexplainable muck being made crazy day in day out..

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