Author	Topic:   N mothers
Jessica	posted 3/21/08 0:14 AM     I had a friend for six years, and just recently ended our friendship. I have done some research over the internet on Narcissistic disorder and this x-friend fits the description perfectly, but I am not a doctor and am still unsure. She talks constantly about how beautiful she is and how every guy wants her. She even makes up stories about how she has special �gpowers�h. She is very bossy and always expects people to give her everything and do everything for her. She is constantly dishing out insults and backhanded remarks, seeming to take pleasure in humiliated me when other people were around. My concern, however, is that she is a mother. She appears to be a loving mother, more often then not she gives in to her daughter�fs fits and every desire. I�fve concluded this is out of laziness; it�fs easier for her to give the kid what she wants then discipline her or do the right thing. For example, the 3 year old would eat cheese, lots of it with ketchup, because her mother either didn�ft want to make her real food or didn�ft want to hear the kid cry. Initially, that just seemed like bad and lazy parenting, but there is more. My x-friend seeks lots of attention and enjoys partying and being the center of attention. She takes her kid to festivals where she meets guys and takes whatever drugs she wants, all in front of her daughter. She even told me that while at a camping festival with thousands of people she left her camping area to have sex with some guy, while her now 4 year old daughter was left alone in her tent. This is a huge concern for me. Even though it appears she loves her daughter very much she admits she wishes she didn�ft have to care for her. Her behavior towards her daughter is a bit contradictory, on the one hand she spoils her and often expects everyone who is around do make her daughter happy and give her whatever she wants, but on the other hand drags her daughter to whatever adult activity she want to go to, and places her in dangerous situations. At a concert she carried her daughter to the front near the stage, pushing people out of her way and squeezing herself closer. This was hard to watch, because it was not a place for a child, people were practically on top of each other it was so crowded, and most people were drunk or high. I noticed her odd parenting when her daughter was very young. At the mall once her barely walking daughter began to walk off and out of the shoes area we were in. At first I became annoyed, I was used to her expecting other people to take over and care for the daughter. I informed my friend several times that she needed to watch her daughter. Even though I was annoyed I kept an eye on the daughter watching her completely walk off into the mall, and finally going to get her. Another thing is the clothing and beauty accessories she buys herself. She seemed to go shopping every weekend, and the last time she bought herself a new wardrobe she complained to me that she doesn�ft have enough money to feed her daughter. Should I be concerned for this child? Even though I have cut off all ties with this old friend, I still think a lot about the daughter. Is this simply bad parenting?
Jessica	posted 3/22/08 4:10 AM
ArtGoddess	posted 3/25/08 9:18 PM     It sounds as if this mother was entirely too young to be an effective parent, rather than suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. You see, everyone carries some degree of narcissism - it's a natural part of the human condition. It's how far that narcissism goes that makes it harmful, or not. Your "friend" sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed, and thoroughly immature individual. And, yes, I would be concerned about that poor child's welfare. Adults (and, juveniles) choose how they will behave and have the luxury of being able to make choices that are good, bad, or seemingly benign. Children, on the other hand, have no options as to whom they will be born to, how they will be raised, and what sins will be perpetrated against them.
Jessica	posted 4/5/08 0:12 AM     Thank you for your response. You hit the nail of the head about her being a young mother. I described less of what I assume are narcissistic characteristics because I am more concerned about her parenting. The things that stuck out most, aside from being completely self-absorbed, overly conceited and insulting, were strange things she would tell me. She claimed she could affect the weather, cause car accidents and other bizarre things. One of our last conversations she told me that at a concert all the men were looking at her all crazy like she was a goddess (her words). She�fs a cute girl but pretty average, but describes herself as �gI�fm so beautiful, I mean I�fm sooooo beautiful.�h Her words exactly! When she said that, I didn�ft really know how to respond. She also boasts about how amazing she is in bed. She has a huge sense of entitlement, I believe this is why she steals, which she does frequently. She has never worked a day in her life and expects to live a lavish lifestyle. I also think part of it is that she thinks she is so beautiful that she should be able to have whatever she wants. She relies on her looks a great deal. Another thing is her misplaced confidence. She wants to become a doctor, but is an average student. One thing that has always bothered me is her complete lack of empathy. I was so shocked at some of her remarks at times. For example, while talking about that tsunami in Thailand another friend and I were saying how we wish we could do more than donate money, like donate blood. She said �gThat�fs my blood, I�fm not giving it to anyone unless they pay me.�h This was after watching all the homeless kids that were victims of that catastrophe. Her boyfriend once got a puppy and stuck it in the garage, she didn�ft seem to care at all even when it whimpered. It was a very young puppy mind you! She never once showed any guilt or sadness when they had to take their two dogs to the pound, she didn�ft even care to tell me about it. I witnessed her treating her boyfriend�fs nephew horribly, at 20 years old she was picking on the 6 year old like she was a school yard bully. Commenting on his weight and yelling at him to �gget whatever Marisol (her daughter) wanted.�h It�fs hard to describe everything that she says, because it often seems her remarks are subtle and not blatantly cruel. I can think of one example of this; she saw a picture of my boyfriend�fs daughter. I said she was a pretty girl and she responded with �gyou can find something cute about every kid.�h I was always uncomfortable around her. I knew every visit would be excruciating where I would be expected to do something for her or put in an uncomfortable position. Everything was always about her, and she expected everyone to act accordingly. Once she complained about a present I bought for her instead of a simple thank you. There is lots I can say about how she treated me, but I tried not to be concerned by it because I wanted to be there for her daughter. I stuck around a long time because of this. I am still conflicted about cutting off our friendship. I know she doesn�ft have much in the way of family, and I think about that little girl a lot. Also, every time I made up my mind to stop talking to her some huge drama in her life would happen and I would land up feeling sorry for her. I felt obligated to help her. This pattern went on for years and it�fs often I�fm reminded of yet another insult or manipulation of hers. Maybe she isn�ft narcissistic, but just a crappy person. But the more I read, the more I�fm convinced there is something definitely wrong with her There are so many examples I can add about her behavior the list is endless.
ArtGoddess	posted 4/9/08 0:10 AM     Uh......yeah.......something is terribly wrong with her, but she's demonstrating what is quickly becoming the "norm" in our current culture. She sounds absolutely toxic and I have actually ended long-standing relationships due to the toxic nature of former "friends." There are enough tangible toxins out there without choosing to endure emotional ones, in addition! Best of luck to you and those poor kids.
Lightworker	posted 4/10/08 7:16 PM     You definitely have a narcissist on your hands. Pray for the daughter, but more than that you can anonymously contact authorities and express your concerns. One narcissist mother I know of has had numerous people calling about her parenting (or lack of it) and has a record with CWS a mile long. The net result of that was finally her kids were court-ordered to get counselling. It did help some. Some. Unfortunately narcissism is super stealthy and knows how to protect itself even from professionals who have studied the disorder. You can care for this girl from afar by withdrawing completely from the mother. Allow the mother to "hit bottom" and be there for the girl by contacting child welfare advocate groups and explaining the disorder to them first (because often they won't know of it) and then second a detailed laundry list in the form of a diary you've kept of actual tangible instances of neglect or abuse. Those are your devices to get some sanity in this unfortunate "friendship" you have with this woman.

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