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| Author | Topic: getting back up |
| Leigha |
posted 11/2/06 5:05 AM
I am new and I don't want to be on here. It's like admitting to myself that this is permanent. I'm a healthcare provider and I'm supposed to help people like you, so I bluffed and forced myself to relearn how to learn and restore a life. I gained confidence, but really, I didn't have a choice. Where the hell was the "I give up or I'm exhaused" line? I never found it, so I persevered. My children were frightened to know that Mommy can't find our way home - or were we going out? My husband dissapeared into a bottle and I moved the children and I to a small island where we can't get lost, so long as I don't cross a bridge. Life was good. Better than good. I survived and was inspiring to others and sometimes, even myself. I worked three jobs and went to school again. My immunity was never better. I worked hard to read and speak. I can now watch movies and understand them. The greatest loss was not understanding a joke, but I can now. this all made me feel that I wasnt permanently damaged, but my body decieved me. I was previously injured by an anesthesiologist's emergency spinal that left me unable to speak well, and the headaches felt like a sledgehammer. The mistake made me a piriah because no one would see me to recover, except the team neurologist who said it's common and I'll be fine. I wasn't fine. I couldnt remember who I was. The affects were slow and outrageous. I somehow got through all that. The headaches persisted and no one could give an answer when they would go away. This was 6 years ago. I had another headache the other day and decided that I really can't take another round of excedrine, or caffiene pills, and nothing really worked. I had no idea what those headaches were meaning all along. To begin with, I had a swollen brain and 'very large horns' whatever that is. (odd terminology for such a location, I think ;) They wanted CSF and the pressure was very high. I admitted that I had had a previous injury to the subarachnoid space during a spinal and they didn't want the spinal after that, they went ahead and treated me for bacterial meningistis. I felt better after the third day. I am back on caffiene pills, confused all the time, cant stop crying and need further care for hydrocephalus that I apparently got from the meningitis. I just got out of the hospital and cant get an appointment to see the Neurologist for another month. I have so many questions and am overwhelmed. I dont remember any of the last week or the Dr.'s. I pushed to go back to work. I wonder if my care for clients will be affected. I worry that I may still be carrying a contageous germ in my body that will spring up again. I dont feel confident now. I'm not invincable and energetic. I'm at a hill, and I fear it's bigger than I can handle alone. I don't want my children to lose me this young or feel burdened by my care, if needed. And I wanted to go to school again, to continue my education in Holistic medicine. I am so far out of my element now, my head is spinning, and still hurting. Perhaps my ego is dying a painful death, but I'll gladly give up any personal dreams if only to know the truth and not be ignored because I was an injury. Oh, I never sued. It was all I could do to survive, much less make appointments to sue someone. I am lucky. I am VERY LUCKY. but yet, I can't stop crying. |
| Lisa |
posted 4/1/07 2:10 AM
I wish I had a solution for you, but at least I can tell you my heart goes out to you and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. |
| Lisa |
posted 4/1/07 2:10 AM
[This message has been edited on 04/01/2007] |
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